Jokes for SNL:
Hello. Congratulations on finding a page that contains nothing but expired topical jokes. The point of topical jokes is that they're timely. None of these are timely. I'm still posting them. It's that kind of middle-finger to the public attitude that makes me so popular among Fugazi fans.
I started contributing to Weekend Update in October, 2009. Here are some of my favorite jokes that I wrote for the show. None of these aired, but I will let you pretend that they did.
“The Twilight Saga: Eclipse” won for Best Movie at the People’s choice awards Wednesday. Delivering a crushing blow to the idea that people should be allowed to choose things.
A dog in South Carolina can reportedly understand more than 1000 words. According to its owners who know fewer than 500.
It was announced that the first Middle East Film and Comic Convention will be held at the end of April in the United Arab Emirates. So, go there if you want to see such comic superheroes as Burka Lady Strikes Back, but Only After Receiving Permission from Her Husband.
Two pythons were married in a ceremony in a village in Cambodia to help ward off bad luck. This comes as no surprise, as Cambodian pythons are notorious for being superstitious.
Harold Camping, who runs the Family Radio evangelical station, has been saying that he made a mathematical error when he predicted that the world would come to an end on September 6, 1994, and he now says it will end on May 21, 2011. Just when you thought you were in the clear.
A troupe of dancers in London attempted to break the record for the world’s largest burlesque number. A record that would have been fine left alone.
Debbie Boehner, the wife of John Boehner, the new Speaker of the House, said this week that her husband cries during big moments and that the country should get used to it. The country responded no.
A lawyer in Kentucky has started selling a new line of underwear that contain strategically placed patriotic emblems made of a special ink, which he claims will blur out people’s genitals in airport full body scanners. Because having an eagle for a penis doesn't look suspicious at all.
Residents of a remote town in Saudi Arabia are accusing a vulture, which was tagged as part of a Tel Aviv University project, of spying after it flew into their town. Yeah, I think there's a good chance for peace over there.
A woman in Illinois gave birth to twins in two different years, one in the last minutes of 2010, and the other a minute after midnight on January 1st. Fulfilling the prophecy that anything can be news.
Two men in Kentucky were sentenced to probation in connection with a case in which a third man said he was forced to eat his beard after an argument. This wins the “Sounds Like It Has to be a Euphemism but Actually Isn't” Award.
Republican Senate nominee Christine O’Donnell from Delaware is saying that the Republican party is not helping out her campaign. The Republican party responded that O'Donnell isn't helping much either.
Sarah Jessica Parker is saying that she now regrets having a prominent mole on her chin removed last year because she has now lost her trademark beauty spot. Since the removal, the public has been unable to distinguish Parker from the other horses.
A 507 carat diamond, which is about the size of chicken egg, has been found in a mine in South Africa and may be among the world’s 20 highest-quality gems. The miner who found it was compensated with an actual chicken egg and the privilege of keeping his hands.
For the second time in a month, Israel’s biweekly national lottery produced the same winning set of numbers, providing the closest thing to stability the region has seen in decades.
According to a new book called “Game Change” Sarah Palin believed that John McCain chose her to be his running mate in the 2008 election because of “God’s plan.” In her eyes, God's has a very modest plan.
It was reported that Paul McCartney is considering marrying his current girlfriend Nancy Shevell. The only thing standing in the way is both of her legs.
A man in Canada, who won a legal battle for the right to keep exotic pets, was fatally mauled by his 650 pound tiger. Who really won the legal battle?
A male FedEx delivery driver in Massachusetts, who has been growing his hair out for charity, said he was told by his employers to cut his hair. The company said that as professional drug traffickers, it's important that they don't look like amateurs.
It was revealed that actor Gary Coleman, who was arrested Sunday for failure to appear in court, had his bail posted by a fan who saw his mug shot in the newspaper. The fan is the owner of a local bicycle shop. 
New research shows that women are slower than men at getting jokes, but enjoy them more when they do finally get them. Women have responded that if men didn't laugh so prematurely, jokes would be better for all parties involved.
At the 60th annual Berlin Film Festival, Roman Polanski won the Silver Bear for best director for his film “Ghost Writer.” And although though he was unopposed, he also won the award for Best Film Directed by a Rapist.
Health experts are saying that the use of contraception in Afghanistan is on the rise with some mullahs distributing condoms and encouraging longer breaks for women between births. Air raids, then condoms. Afghan men can't seem to catch a break.
According to new research an hour of moderate physical activity a day, such as brisk walking, ballroom dancing and playing with children, can help middle age women from gaining weight. Scientists are referring to this new-age weight-loss phenomenon as "exercise."
A new study suggests that being bored may shorten people’s life spans, which happens to be the perfect solution to boredom.
It was announced Monday that Conan O’Brien will take his late night show to TBS starting in November. There's no word on how this will affect the network's Roadhouse schedule.
A new study claims that dogs have a greater eco-footprint than SUVs. This could be attributed to the theory that animals are alive and machines are not.
The New York Post on Monday celebrated its 208th anniversary. As a thank you, the paper gave all their writers new crayons to work with.
A new alternative to nursing homes is turning out to be retirement communes in which elderly people care for each other. The houses are furnished identically, so it works out when no one remembers where they live.
According to new reports, advertisements featuring Tiger Woods have pulled from prime-time shows since November 29th, two days after his car accident. This policy will continue until post-production is completed for his new morning-after pill commercial.
The director of the next Harry Potter movie says there are a couple scenes in the new film in which star Daniel Radcliffe will be nude. "Yes!" rejoiced no one.
The University of Mississippi this season has gotten rid of their long-time mascot “Colonel Reb,” a Confederate soldier, after years of complaints of racial insensitivity. The University of Alabama has followed suit by removing their mascot, Black Steve the Runaway Slave.
G-Star, a Dutch clothing company, has started an advertising campaign built around Magnus Carlsen, a 19 year-old Norwegian chess master. Because if there's one thing that sells jeans, it's a Norweigian kid beating old Russians at a board game.
President Obama on Monday challenged Tea Party candidates, who have harshly criticized Democratic fiscal policies, to give specifics on how they would get control of spending if they were in office. A Tea Party spokesman replied, “Kenyans say what?”
Senate Republicans on Tuesday blocked debate on legislation that would end the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t’ Tell Policy” and allow homosexuals to serve openly. Unfortunately, homosexuals won't be allowed to vote on whether or not assholes can serve openly in Congress.
According to “Obama’s Wars,” a new book by Bob Woodward, President Obama was frustrated by the war in Afghanistan and sought an exit plan, but was only provided with options that increased US troop levels. Much like giving someone who wants to stop using cocaine a larger bag of cocaine.
According to a new book, a communication error led the Titanic to turn in the wrong direction and sail directly into the iceberg that sunk it. So Jack didn't have to die?
President Obama on Monday criticized the Republican “Pledge to America,” saying that it is “not a serious approach.” Specifically knocking the GOP's promise to promote “Tickle-Me-Tuesdays” in the Capitol.
Senators Tom Coburn and Jim DeMint have placed a “hold” on a bill that would allow federal land to be sold for the creation of a long-proposed National Women’s History Museum in Washington, DC.
I mean, they have a point. How much land does it take to build a kitchen? It's over-the-top sexist. Get it?
Scientists say that they have located the gene that can protect people from becoming alcoholics by making them lightweight drinkers. Giving people the choice of being an alcoholic or a pussy.
This Saturday hundreds of Bernie Madoff’s personal items will be auctioned off, including his boxers, embroidered slippers and a 10.5 carat diamond ring. The boxers are a coveted item, because they're the ones he wore as he screwed thousands of people.
A woman in Florida and her boyfriend were arrested after they allegedly tried to sell her infant grandson for 30,000 dollars. 10,000 dollars over the market price.
It was reported this week that a bug in a Facebook security feature designed to eliminate fake accounts, accidentally deleted thousands of women’s accounts. Confirming other women's suspicions that “that bitch is so fake.”
A new study suggests that there are 300 sextillion stars in the universe, which is three times more than scientists had previously calculated. This. Changes. Everything.
It was reported that a musical version of “American Psycho” will be heading to Broadway soon.
Yesterday I dropped a slice of pizza on the floor, which also falls in the category of good things that were ruined.
Residents of a high-rent block in New York’s Chelsea neighborhood are complaining about a homeless man’s truck, which is overflowing with junk, that he leaves parked on their block. The homeless man isn't thrilled about his living situation either.
A musician in London, who went into a store to buy a sandwich, had his 300 year-old Stradivarius violin, worth almost 2 million dollars, stolen. The sandwich was pretty good though.
Donna D’Errico, a former star of Baywatch, is saying that she was subjected to a full-body scan at an airport recently because she is attractive looking. The TSA employee responded, “Most definitely.”